By Carson Major
After reading the title, you are most likely scared, confused or just flat-out “I just want to know what on earth this kid is talking about.” But it’s ok! I mean, it’s a frightening world we live in, full of dangers like carjackers, muggers, thieves, murders, Miley Cyrus, and it seems like Congress is just going to keep letting it happen because they’re too concerned about Obamacare, or raising taxes, or whatever.
But there are all these distractions, and that is the first thing you should learn. The government likes to distract you. They put all kinds of pretty buzzwords in the way to trick you into forgetting the things that you should be utterly terrified of.
For example, last night I sat in my room drinking a 24 oz. Mountain Dew I had been saving for over a week. It was hidden very well too. Why? To keep my mom from stealing it and throwing it away. Why? Because these are the things I consume to keep me awake while I watch YouTube clips of The Dark Knight Rises. This is my right as an American and a human being, but she thinks it’s her right to throw them away because of a numero uno governmental distraction called “diabetes.”
There’s no such thing as “diabetes” or “North Carolina,” fellow students. My mom is confused and hateful.
But stealing your 24-ounce bottles of Mountain Dew is only the tipping point. There are a lot of sneaky things out there just beneath the surface of so-called “reality” that you need to be aware of as you go job searching. Things waiting to pop out and cut off your head in the middle of the street
Raptors Pose the Greatest Threat to Future Graduates
A little while ago, I saw Jurassic World. You;re probably thinking ,”I’m glad you saw such an incredible movie, but what does that have to do with my future, with my safety?” That is a very straightforward and informed question. Unfortunately, the carelessness with which you have called Jurassic World a “movie” shines a big Coleman 600-watt high-beam lantern on your possible ignorance.
All I could think about while I watched the movie was, “We live in a very dangerous world.” That thought kept running through my head, over and over and over like a broken record. Now, some of you may say, “Perhaps that had to do with the 3-liter mixture of Mountain Dew and NOS Energy Drink you consumed prior to watching it.” That’s ridiculous, fellow students.
Listen, now is not the time to argue anyway. Because I’ve got some wisdom to drop on you about some serious hazards in our world, and I want to lay it on you straight: you’re not safe.
Behind every corner store, in the fruit section of every Wal-Mart, in the bathroom corner of every Waffle House, there could be a velociraptor waiting to tear your intestines out with a strikingly bird-like claw. Could they be descended from birds? Let’s not argue, okay? Instead, take notes, because this is the first survival instinct you need to learn about: raptor awareness.
Raptors are not just dim-witted lizards anymore. They can open doors, hack your phone, and even steal your car. They’re taking your jobs, in fact. Raptors are highly trained in lawn mowing, computer programming, telemarketing skills, etc. They do voices. And while they’re exercising those skills and taking your job, they’ll figure they might as well rip your intestines out, too. It is tragic, but it’s also the truth.
Weapons won’t work. That’s mistake number one right there. That’s the biggest mistake people make when they’re assembling a plan for future disasters: gathering weapons. It never works, ever. If you try to buy a gun at Wal-Mart, for example, then they’ll ask you about government distraction number two called “ID.” I may be young, but does that prohibit me from going Rambo on some overgrown tree-frogs picturing myself as Chris Pratt on the motorcycle? No. It doesn’t. But they don’t care. They just want the raptor to keep ripping out your intestines.
SO, you can’t rely on guns.
And you don’t know who or where the raptors are. They could be your friends, your family. Nobody can be sure.
Last week, I decided to fight back.
Background: one month ago, my mom took it upon herself to hide my driver’s license in a location known only to her. She now drives the car to work and the grocery store, and I am forced to go to the library by bike to do research on the worldwide raptor conspiracy. But by using only my bike and Meetup.com, I have established a watchdog group to keep tabs on potential raptors in the area. Now, as we all know (at least those of us who have seen Jurassic World), raptors can be trained and converted to reptilian-humanoid servants of the human race. As of late, I have not found any, but I am enlisting you, Foley High School Class of 2015, to join my Meetup.com group and assist in the hunt and conversion of these creatures.
We have a small coterie of hard-working, 100% human beings. Our club has open membership, and if you join now, then you will not have to pay the $20 membership fee. Currently, we are looking for graduates with computer typing skills and a driver’s license. If you have a suit or suits we can borrow for job interviews, that would be helpful too. Looking forward to seeing you at the next meeting!